The best of times. The worst of times.

• I dressed up like a hipster and went to the tea garden with the best of friends
• I was a fairy queen
• I played music
• I carpooled with Josiah everywhere
• I recoded an EP with PS
• I turned 18
• I went to the Bon Bons
• I became a member of my church
• I started courting my best friend
• I went to Prom with Kevin and we looked awesome
• I found a magic alley way with Moriah
• I had an art class in a tree
• I sat under a bridge with Kevin and Beth
• I visted Sus with Beth
• I learned to pray a lot
• I saw a turtle get run over
• I auditioned for the X factor
• I sat in the SC and chatted
• I went on a walk with someone who I didn’t know and still don’t
• I drove to Chicago
• I gave mud high fives
• I danced like a fairy with Anna…right into Band of Brothers…awkward
• I read a play on the Stranz’s couch and we laughed until I though we were going to die
• I quit my diet
• I got all dressed up in purple and went to the Oscars
•  I had tea at Emily’s…a lot. Sometimes dressed up
• I ran around barefoot at YEAH and didn’t get kicked out.
• I was in a “A street car named desire” for a showcase and it was my favorite
• I sang in a barn that was like 80 degrees
• I had the coolest grad party of all times ever
• I went to the beach with my brothers
• I went on a 8 mile walk with Dan and got the worst sunburn ever
• I graduated
• I passed PE
• I went to The Hunger Games at midnight dressed up
• I got a good score in AP design
• I got my first job at a pizza place to save money for a epic trip
• I sparkled for weeks
• I helped Kevin paint his room
• I ate a lemon tart in a valley
• I did a makeup fast
• I had a lot of really hard conversations
• I lost some friends
• I made some friends
• I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me and it didn’t scare me like it does now
• I got up at 7 on Tuesdays to Skype
• I stayed up till 2 am often talking with big brother Dan
• I saw a truck explode with Kevin and Dan on our Tuesday adventures
• I recorded a CD for a birthday
• I ran on a bridge with Kevin
• I wrote countless letters to Ireland
• I flew across the sea alone
• I changed flights
• I had jetlag
• I got surprise picked up at the airport
• I ran on the beach in Ireland
• I worked at a cottage
• I was a hippie
• I sang at a pub
• I met midges
• I made friends from all over the world
• I collected shells in Galway
• I sang for the doughnut man with Taka
• I bought a hat
• I asked the dairy farm to jump our car for us at 6am
• I walked and walked and walked and walked
• I went sailing at a loch
• I broke a car window
• I painted a lot
• I played tractor
• I took a train alone
• I took a bus alone
• I took a cab alone
• I got letters each week from Katie
• I went swimming in a very cold river
• I went diving for water lillies with Lauren
• I got hair wraps
• I sat in the trees and looked down at the horse in the valley
• I  got picked up and went back to Killkeel
• I had a four pound pickernic
• I talked to cops
• I heard a bagpipe band
• I met so many friends that I now love very much.
• I stayed up late watching movies and eating candy
• I guessed cactus
• I went to Belfast
• I went to Dunluce
• I went to Giants Causeway
• I had a sleep over with Keri
• I played with play dough
• I listed to Ben Howard in the flat
• I threw pebbles at a window
• I sang Rachel and Lauren to sleep
• I did some swing with Elijah at town square
• I went to Silent Valley
• I climbed a mountain
• I swam in the Irish sea
• I sang in church
• I ate a lot
• I sang with John and Elijah
• I looked at the stars on the beach
• I saw a jelly fish
• I had tea
• I did a lot in Ireland and then I went home
• I had drama getting home (well Elijah and I did)
• I cried in the airport and was very thankful for a shoulder
• I took the L in Chicago with Elijah at like 12 am
• I got on a bus with Elijah and came home
• I went swimming the day I got home
• I went on my first date
• I went on a epic road trip
• I swam in a swimming hole
• I sat in a kiddie pool-twice
• I went paintballing
• I got a job as a waitress
• I was part of Ladies Society
• I fell in love
• I drove to pick up milk with my mom
• I watched all the Twilight movies
• I had my first heart break
• My best friend got engaged
• My other best friend went to Italy
• My best friend got married
• I was in my first wedding
• I went to a wedding in Wisconsin
• I danced like a fool
• I got side bangs
• I cut my hair
• I spent awesome Sundays with great friends
• I lived with the O’Neals
• I played Just dance and about died
• I got asked out for lunch and didn’t go
• I moved to Kentucky
• I was in my first small group
• I got a GPS
• I was in my last play with CB
• I was a TA for Carla
• I decorated a room
• I cried a lot
• I laughed a lot
• I saw Les Mis
• I surprised my family in Canada
• I came home and found that home wasn’t where I wanted it to be
• I felt like the list was not enough but left it as it was so I could make more memories. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

It is well with my soul.

Today in church…well hold up let me run grab my notes. I should start off by telling you I have had a rough few days. With the new year coming in and the old one leaving a tad bit more empty than I had hoped it would. I had high hopes for the year coming in. It was a wonderful year-maybe the best year of my life. But it ends at its low point.

Today there was a prophetic song in church- for those of you who don’t know what that means that someone in the church believed that God placed a song in his heart to be shared with the church, it is sung spontaneously and not planned out. I have only ever heard three of these songs. The one today I will not soon forget-I had tears coming down my face though the whole thing. I wish I could remember the lyrics. He started it by saying it was for people in the church who may have experienced loss this year, they walked into the year with more and are now walking away with the feeling that they are missing something or someone. He sang about this person and then sang (paraphrase) “I have a question for you, am I not enough?” He went on to speak of how we are Gods children and his desire is that we are contented in him alone. 
Then CJ came up to preach. “Count it all joy my brothers” He talked about how trials are not strange things. We should not be surprised when they come. We should be prepared. Trials are set for a divine purpose. We do not always know what the purpose is-but it is enough that our father in heaven does. They test us for growth. They purify our faith. He talked about how he hates to exercise but if he doesn’t he will not be healthy. Very few people in the world love working out, but almost everyone loves what they get from it, a healthy body. The way that we respond to these trials is what tests our faith. That is when we see results. Trials are for our good and they are from God. Trusting that the trials are from God make a world of difference. But trials are tough. We can only count them as JOY because we believe that they are for our good.
Its a hard road. But the destination is GLORY. —I just butchered the sermon, just go listen to it. That was al mosh posh of what I remember. Anyway. I feel challenged to reconsider each struggle, to examine life, to count it all joy.

We finished the morning off with It is well with my soul. One of my favorite hymns.  

Oh look my eye.

January

So this year I am not going to list off a whole bunch of things I want to finish. I am going to make a list for each month and I am going to cross them off. Each month (Until I quite in July) I will list 1-8 things I would like to accomplish for that said month. Starting with January.

1. Not eat past 8pm (unless at a party) I have not been in the best health for a few months and I think changing my eating habits might help that.

2. Go on a detox for 15 days ish again-to my health

3. Be in the habit of washing my face every night

4. Read Surprised by Joy by CS Lewis 

5. Draw/paint five different clown fish I am learning to draw.

 

Dear people of the world

last night I was up late. I had a hard time sleeping and so I took a bath. That really didn’t help at all. So I went down stairs and got on facebook and chatted up Beth on facebook. I ranted and raved about somethings for a while and got it all out. I knew at the time I was typing everything that most of it wasn’t true. I was just saying it. I if thought about any of what I was saying I would figure out that it was all silly. If I re read it I might laugh. But I doubt that I would. I would probably cry. These things I believe as truth in my worst times and dont even regard in my best  times. But they are always hanging around my heart just waiting for a good time to break in. When I am lonely mostly. That seems to be when everything starts to fall on top of me. But nothing is really falling. Its just. Its as if I remembering what it feels like to believe these things all the time for a short time. I keep contradicting myself. Awkward. 

I feel like I am ok. I feel happy. Very happy. But then sometimes…sometimes I don’t. But the times that I don’t don’t feel real. They feel like dreams. Like I am recalling that I should feel sad. So I do. I feel sad. I feel awful. But it doesn’t last. 

So dear people of the world. I really have nothing to say. I just needed to say something. In hopes that you might read it and care a little. Not because I need you to care. But because I like it when you do. Even when what I am saying really doesn’t add up….

Sleeping Beauty

Watching sleeping beauty tonight with Becca and Siah. Sups adorbs.

Sand worms.

I know what I want. The issue always is the same. I want what I want-on my terms. The way I think it should be. The way I have been told to expect. Told by books, and movies, and friends. I have been watching my whole life. I didn’t mean to do it, but I couldn’t let it be enough. I thought I was in the right, I mean look at Ruth and Boaz right? But you know what, I wasn’t looking and Ruth and Boaz, I was just looking at Boaz. 

Snow

Wake up. Look outside. Its confusing because you remember it being brown and gray outside. Now its hard to focus your eyes, because on a back drop of the white clouds in the sky is a thick white blanket of snow. It covers the trees, the roads, the flowers, the grass, the houses. Its all over. At first you can’t see much at all. The sun is up pretty high and the white shines so bright in that light. You squish your eye lids together and peer at the world outside your frost-bitten window. Its breath-taking at first. You just want to look out your window. No one should walk in the yard. Its far to beautiful to have big wet boot tromping through. Its falling, falling, falling. Covering everything. Perfectly white. Beautiful. 

Lord Jesus, for this I most humbly entreat,

I wait, blessèd Lord, at Thy crucified feet.

By faith, for my cleansing, I see Thy blood flow,

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

Whiter than snow, yes, whiter than snow.
Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

The blessing by faith, I receive from above;
O glory! my soul is made perfect in love;
My prayer has prevailed, and this moment I know,
The blood is applied, I am whiter than snow.

 

 

The feeling.

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Its like when you are walking down the stairs and you think you are at the bottom but you missed a step and you fall 10 inches. Or when you wake up and remember that you have auditions later on that day. Or when you relies you needed a slip for you skirt but you are already out in public. Or when your dog runs away while you were holding the leash. Or when you hear a child falling down the stairs and all at once you remember that you were s’post to be watching said child. Or when you get a D on your final and know that you are going to have to tell your parents. Or when you run into someone and really don’t want to talk to them and you can tell they don’t want to talk to you either so you both just go about doing whatever you are doing and try really hard not to make eye contact. Or when you are staring at someone in a car next to you and you do make eye contact so you look away really fast. Or when you are afraid you hurt someones feeling with what you just said so you try really hard to fix it and say it differently and end up digging yourself in a hole.
If none of these things have ever happened to you congratulations. But the feeling is uneasy. Unsure. A little afraid, only I can’t pin it. I don’t know why I have this feeling. I just know the feeling. And I don’t like it. 

Poppa’s records

Today was Christmas. Everyone went home about 3 hours ago and it was just my family and my grandparents here at the house. Poppa put on some old vinyl records. I joined him in going though his collection for a little bit. We heard a lot of really good music and it was so cool to hear music that I have heard on my iPod on the real thing. It is going to be a good memory. Highlight of my christmas.
My favorite of the night- 

Live in London