God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better. ~Elisabeth Elliot
I am afraid. I am 19 years old and I am terrified. I am afraid that all my dreaming will come to nothing. I am afraid that I will not find love. I am afraid that I will find out that my dreams mean nothing. I fear being alone. I fear the time that passes. I fear that one day I will wake up, look at the celling, and be unable to find a reason to get out of bed.
Does God really love me? I have this idea that God is not going to bless me unless I figure it out. I have this idea that it is up to me to get my life under control and make a plan. I need to impress Him. I need to earn His love. It arrogance that I even think I could with out Jesus.
He makes the plan, all I need to do is (by grace) be faithful to what I hear him calling me to. He makes the plan, all I need to do is (by grace) wait for him to reveal it. He makes the plan, all I need to do is pray that he will give me more grace to do the above. Lord keep my eyes on Jesus.
God is sovereign-which means he has a plan. He is in control. Everything that I am going through really is the best thing I could be going through. He sees. He knows.
But here is the more amazing part.
God. Loves. Me.
And he says it. He says it. He says it in the Bible!
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you….” Isaiah 43:1-4a
When I read this I just started crying. God loves me. He really does. He calls me precious. And He loves me. He has a plan for me. And He loves me. He is sovereign. And He loves me. He is good. And He loves me. He is faithful. And He loves me. He will be with me. This is flipping amazing.
“You are mine” He says. “And I love you”
“Hope came home,
Home to me today,
And fear has run the other way.
And words are weak;
They don’t know how to say,
“You know I still believe in You.”
And should my dreams fall through,
I will be safe with You.
So with every breath I can breath,
I’ll sing about how You love me.”
today I went outside in the graveyard secret garden and I painted a picture of the outline of tree branches hidden behind swirls of mudding colors, a girl sat with her back facing me, she was looking at the outline of the tree and in front of the dead tree there were three green leafs that had fallen on the whole picture. A bee sat on my arm while I smudged ink with my fingers. I fell with my eyes to the sky and nothing became clear to me. But I was ok with that.
I wish I had something profound to say. Or even something funny or something that makes sense. Thank you for bearing with me in this stage of my mumbled jumbled thoughts. And please know. no matter how depressed I may sound on my blog, its only because I write late at night.
I cut my hair a while ago. I cut it all off. to a little above my shoulders. I used to have long long hair. Now I have short short hair. I can;t run my fingers through my hair anymore. I can’t braid it at all. I can hardly put it up in a pony tail. But its easy to wash dry and sleep on. Do I like it? Not really. I don’t hate it either. I don’t think my hair is my one beauty and you won’t find me crying over it. But it does somehow feel like a big part of me gone. And don’t get my wrong its not a bad thing. Its not a good thing. Its just, different. Its change. I don’t deal well with change I found out. When I was little change meant a new car, which means saying goodbye to the old car and all the memories that go with it. I remember when we got rid of our family’s red van climbing inside it and shutting the doors and just weeping. Change is the absence of a tree in the back yard. Change is the addition of a new girl who don’t get along with my best friend. Change means my perfect world gets confused and I my eyes have to get used to it. And the worst thing about change is how it changes people. And how it changes me. Or is that the best part? Change brought me to Minnesota, I loved Minnesota and all that it gave me and even all that it took from me. Its part of who I am now. Change took me away from Minnesota and brought me to Kentucky. And Kentucky is great in so many ways and hard in less. I change with change. I adapt. Or I try to at least. I give into change, but somehow I don’t really except it until my new reality becomes my old. I know I am just going of on a tangent now. The point it. I cut my hair. And that was a big change for me. And as much as I am most likely going to grow my hair out again…it felt good to cut it off. And for some reason I thought you all needed to know that in the longest most random way.
Thanks for reading. This has been “random nothings” (with I am sure lots of spelling errors, and poor grammar as always, (but I am going to blame that on the fact that its late and my eyes are shutting on me as they do most nights when I blog)) with Graycie
Yesterday we got in a white car and drove to Cincinnati to see Josh Garrels play live with Mason Jar music. I cried through a lot of it, sang along for most of it, and tried once to get clapping going (I succeeded). I think it was the best concert I have ever been to. They showed an hour long film where Josh talked about the music and they played it all over this beautiful Island. It was amazing. I may or may not have purchased the DVD. I was in awe the whole time. Captivated. The show also rooted up a lot of things in my heart and that was a little emotionally discouraging, and at the same time really encouraging. Anyway. It was just amazing. If you ever have the chance to see this man live, jump on it.
Here is a clip from the dvd I bought …
Sun filled the room
the room was the world
I stepped into snow white
The birds sang a lulling tune that ecoed on and on
My days swam away with those of the sea
My dreams flew off with the birds
I ran through the room with my hands reaching out
grabbing whatever would hold me
I leapt to float across the lapping sea
But fingers became numb and feet held fast
Hopes were adrift
where they went I could not follow
It was a string tied under the heart
A tie that snapped over the waters
Red stained my dress
I understood the weeping willow
My only anchor in the clouds
It held me fast as wind and despair ran through my hair
The birds sang on and life passed through me.
Heart held too much love inside
It had to break to be free
but freedom was not what held my hand
I know I have posted this before. But it’s just, right now it’s my theme song.