Need of Grace – Valley of Vision

O Lord,

Thou knowest my great unfitness for service,

my present deadness,

my inability to do anything for thy glory,

my distressing coldness of heart.

I am weak, ignorant, unprofitable,

and loathe and abhor myself.

I am at a loss to know what thou wouldest

have me do,

for I feel amazingly deserted by thee,

and sense thy presence so little;

Thou makest me possess the sins of my youth,

and the dreadful sin of my nature,

so that I feel all sin,

I cannot think or act but every motion is sin.

Return again with showers of converting grace

to a poor gospel-abusing sinner.

Help my soul to breathe after holiness,

after a constant devotedness to thee,

after growth in grace more abundantly every day.

O Lord, I am lost in the pursuit of this blessedness,

And am ready to sink because I fall short

of my desire;

Help me to hold out a little longer,

until the happy hour of deliverance comes,

for I cannot lift my soul to thee

if thou of thy goodness bring me not nigh.

Help me to be diffident, watchful, tender,

lest I offend my blessed Friend

in thought and behaviour;

I confide in thee and lean upon thee,

and need thee at all times to assist and lead me.

O that all my distresses and apprehensions

might prove but Christ’s school

to make me fit for greater service

by teaching me the great lesson of humility.

– from Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers


 

“To die would be an awfully great adventure” ~Peter Pan

Today I woke up to some very sad news. You see for about three years now I have been trying to keep this a secret from everyone but I guess I need to get it out there today. When I was 15-years-old the doctors told me what my parents had be suspecting for years before that. I was dying of organ failure. This means that slowly by the time I was 18 all my organs will shut down. Once all of my organs go I will die, or I will need to be hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life. After a check up this morning I found out that I only have a few more months left for sure. The doctor suggested that I drop out of the play as if will most likely finish me off and I will need to be on bed rest after that. But I said no. If I am going to die I want to go out with a bang. If I am going to be hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life I want to be on my feet for these last days that I can be.

Please don’t be sad when you read this. I have been waiting for this news. I knew it was coming. It is not so hard to bare as I thought it would be. I have lived a good 17 years, and if I don’t die I can always sing with a ventilator right? Please don’t be sad. Help me make my last few weeks as wonderful as the rest of my life has been. Please think of my with a smile on my face and a laugh in my belly. I love you all.

(April Fools…clearly…)