I have turned in every bit of homework for the year. I am done. 🙂 I mean I still have tests and class and a presentation…but no more homework!
Thou knowest my great unfitness for service,
my present deadness,
my inability to do anything for thy glory,
my distressing coldness of heart.
I am weak, ignorant, unprofitable,
and loathe and abhor myself.
I am at a loss to know what thou wouldest
have me do,
for I feel amazingly deserted by thee,
and sense thy presence so little;
Thou makest me possess the sins of my youth,
and the dreadful sin of my nature,
so that I feel all sin,
I cannot think or act but every motion is sin.
Return again with showers of converting grace
to a poor gospel-abusing sinner.
Help my soul to breathe after holiness,
after a constant devotedness to thee,
after growth in grace more abundantly every day.
O Lord, I am lost in the pursuit of this blessedness,
And am ready to sink because I fall short
of my desire;
Help me to hold out a little longer,
until the happy hour of deliverance comes,
for I cannot lift my soul to thee
if thou of thy goodness bring me not nigh.
Help me to be diffident, watchful, tender,
lest I offend my blessed Friend
in thought and behaviour;
I confide in thee and lean upon thee,
and need thee at all times to assist and lead me.
O that all my distresses and apprehensions
might prove but Christ’s school
to make me fit for greater service
by teaching me the great lesson of humility.
– from Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers
Today I woke up to some very sad news. You see for about three years now I have been trying to keep this a secret from everyone but I guess I need to get it out there today. When I was 15-years-old the doctors told me what my parents had be suspecting for years before that. I was dying of organ failure. This means that slowly by the time I was 18 all my organs will shut down. Once all of my organs go I will die, or I will need to be hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life. After a check up this morning I found out that I only have a few more months left for sure. The doctor suggested that I drop out of the play as if will most likely finish me off and I will need to be on bed rest after that. But I said no. If I am going to die I want to go out with a bang. If I am going to be hooked up to a ventilator for the rest of my life I want to be on my feet for these last days that I can be.
Please don’t be sad when you read this. I have been waiting for this news. I knew it was coming. It is not so hard to bare as I thought it would be. I have lived a good 17 years, and if I don’t die I can always sing with a ventilator right? Please don’t be sad. Help me make my last few weeks as wonderful as the rest of my life has been. Please think of my with a smile on my face and a laugh in my belly. I love you all.