February Goals

FEB

First of all let it be said that contrary to my deep hatred for long winters and my dislike for the weather in February it is still my favorite month. Why? You may ask. Well first of all my birthday is on the 26th, second I LOVE valentines day, third I think February is a pretty name for a month, fourth I don’t like January so February saves me. Here are my goals for the month:

 Journal everyday all month: Silly as it may sound, I was inspired to journal after reading Dracula…

Work out four times a week at the gym: We have a gym, it takes two seconds to walk over there, there is no reason why I shouldn’t. I mean I already go maybe twice a week.

Read two books: Doesn’t matter which books I just need to be reading. I think I will start with “Deadline” by Randy Alcorn. But I reserve the right to read something else if I don’t like it.

Make a quilt: Of the Crazy Variety. This will also knock off a bucket list item (see how I multitask)

Make Valentines: Pretty ones. Like go buy things from the store in order to make really nice ones.

Along with these goals I want to keep up with the habits I formed  last month, so I will keep washing my face each night, and not eat late a night.

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Yorkshire wind

I woke up from my sleep about a half hour ago. It’s almost 4am. I am tired, but not sleeping. It’s a windy day out, I can hear the wind whistling around outside. It sounds like I how I have heard the wind on the Yorkshire moors described. Or it’s like how I would imagine the night that the angel of death passed through Egypt, and the camp of the Israelites. I wonder why the wind sounds so frightening here in our apartment complex. Maybe it’s the buildings all so close together that cause the winds to echo at an unusual amount. It’s beautiful to listen to. But somehow it makes me feel sad. By just listening to it you would think  that there is some poor soul trapped outside and they are moaning to be let it. A low moan then growing higher as it becomes more desperate to come inside. I have always thought the wind to be such a beautiful thing, when the wind is howling there is so much scope for the imagination. However, tonight for the first time, I wouldn’t want to be caught outside with the wind running through my hair.

Here comes the rain. Now I can hear it pelting against the window. It sounds like it’s full heavy drops of water. Each drop makes a little splash.

I hear leaves swirling. Now it sounds as if a siren is going off outside. I guess there is a severe thunderstorm warning. But I have yet to hear any thunder. Its 70 degrees out there.

I should try to sleep.

January-Over.

OK so last month I set some goals for January. And I am proud to say I kept my goal, except for one, which I simply modified. Here they are again.

 “1. Not eat past 8pm (unless at a party)” I kept this one more of less. However I got a job this month, so the night that I was working I would come home and have a late diner. But hey, for the most part I did keep to this one.

“2. Go on a detox for 15 days ish” Done. I feel great. Do it. I am now off of grains, sugar, and starch (potatoes, corn, yellow bannans) And I feel amazing…So healthy. So much more capable of thinking through things clearly and dealing with stress. I have a lot more energy, and over all really don’t feel sick anymore. Which is an amazing feeling.

“3. Be in the habit of washing my face every night”  Did it. Started using this face stuff at night and in the mornings. And I see enough of a difference to keep at it every day.

“4. Read Surprised by Joy by CS Lewis” Fail-but I did start reading “Let me be a Woman” by Elizabeth Elliot. Which I love. I still want to read Surprised by Joy. But Let me be a Woman just…I don’t know, jumped out at me, and felt like the right book to be reading. Its also short chapters so I can just read a few when I have time, or before bed.

“5. Draw/paint five different clown fish”   Yes. Did it. And then some. Enjoyed it. But I am so over fish…And I don’t really think I got very good at painting them. But the point wasn’t to produce some great art, but just to say, hey, I know how to draw a clownfish…Here are a few…crappy quality photos.

Marker Clown fish.

Marker Clown fish.

Oil Pastel clown fish...

Oil Pastel clown fish…

Water color and glitter lady clown fish.

Water color and glitter lady clown fish.

Colored pencil clown fish.

Colored pencil clown fish.

Water color

Water color

Watercolor

Watercolor

Rosy

Today one of my dearest friends turns 20. I have known Rose since she was 15 years old. Well, I met her when she was 15, I got to know her when she was 16, and after about four years of friendship I can say that I would name her today as one of my best friends on this earth. Rose is a beautiful person, inside an out, and I am honored to be friends with her. She is a wonderful writer, and a beautiful musician. She inspires me to seek wisdom, she is proactive, her laugh could heal cancer. She thinks of others and genuinely feels things along side of them, something that is rare in a friend. She loves christ seeks after him. She listens, she shares her heart, she writes amazingly encouraging letters. 
Someday we will milk a cow together. 

I could write a whole blog post about her, and really I should have written her a card, but I didn’t, and I really just want to say happy birthday, and I love you Rose.  Image

My yellow tarp

Sometimes I wonder if I should just hide in my house, alone, under a yellow tarp. I could just sit in the living room rolled up in a ball and listen to life, or just sleep. I would never again hurt anyone. I would never be a disappointment. I would never make people feel bad. People wouldn’t expect anything of me and I wouldn’t expect anything of them. I could live like that – get rid of my facebook and blog and pintrest and quit my job and smash my phone. Then I wouldn’t need to worry about not calling back, or texting back. I wouldn’t have to worry that I have too many profile pictures and look self absorbed ( which I probably am ). I wouldn’t have to worry about saying wise things, or having a good ending to my blog posts (which I never do). I will hurt all of my friends, I will make them feel bad, I won’t ever be able to communicate love, I will be the promise of a rain cloud in the desert when there is no rain, I will be a wet blanket on the warm fire when everyone needs a fire. The closer I get to people the deeper I hurt them. The list grows. And the desire for friends kind of goes out the window a little because why get close to people just to lose them by making the same mistakes I made before?

For all the times I mess up, and for all the times I am depressed and for all the times I want to roll up in a ball and hide under my yellow tarp. Christ is there. I just wish I could see him clearer. Maybe if I stop looking at myself and all that I have done wrong and look at him and all he has done right, and for me. “You said you came for the lameI’m the lamest. I made a mess but you say you‘ll erase it, I’ll take it.” He hung on the cross so there would be no condemnation for my mistakes. So I could be with him. Because he wants me with him. I don’t know why. But I’ll take it.