Let me be a helper. I’m still learning.
But I don’t just want someone to listen to my problems. I want someone to listen to my responses to their problems. Can I be wise too? Can I add anything to this situation. Or should I just shut up? Not worthy to help you? Haven’t had enough life experience? Too selfish? Too young? Or maybe I just have too many problems of my own. Can I try again? Can you try again?
I don’t like the word listen, I don’t want someone to listen. I don’t want someone to hear. I want someone to share. Not take turns. I want to build off of each others thoughts and feelings. And that has happened before. I remember.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know how to talk or write. Because I say things. Really stupid things. Things that I don’t really mean. And I don’t know why I say them. When what I want to say is the opposite. I saw the old movie of the Great Gatsby. I would live to see the new one. There is a part when Daisy says to Gatsby “I wish I had done everything on earth with you” and that’s great. But she ends up proving to be a worthless girl. And her words are meaningless. What can you do? Nothing said is right or wanted or helpful. Except casual things. There is am elephant in the room and it changes everything. I love elephants so much. I used to think I maybe I loved them too much. But now I just want to shot that big guy so I can stop seeing out of the corner of my eye the elephant I made standing there. No one has any idea what I am saying maybe because I am referencing a dream. I have dreams. I remember them all. The ending of Jane eyre. Green eyeliner. Tinker bell and Captain Hook. I know this is all a strange way to say what I am trying to say. I wish I didn’t know english. I wouldn’t say much. I built my elephant with words I said and heard and thought about over and over and words I forgot until I needed to remember them so I could use them to my own end. It’s not that everything isn’t true. But it doesn’t matter. And it’s not as huge as I needed it to be. I needed it to be the size of a mountain when really it was a hill I wanted to walk over. I am a three year old. At work I nap and play and eat snack with the kids. I throw tantrums until I get what I want or until I hear what I want to know. I want to not wonder. I want to be allowed. I don’t want to talk about me or you. I don’t want to be angry. And I am not really. I am more just… Sad. But then I woke up this morning and my dream was over and it was time to get ready for church and I could do what I wanted to do. I don’t like to wait. I want it all fixed now. But it’s really not that easy. I have never been good at puzzles. They make me mad because I can never see them going anywhere. I can never fit any pieces together. Any putting the puzzle together with out a box top. And feeling like maybe someone else has the box top and just won’t show me. I am sorry for failing everyone. Don’t give up on me. Someday I might grow up a little.