I just found this blog post from the Spring.
my head hurts. its throbbing. my hair needs washing. its 7:20. jake picks me up at 7:45. clean hair or food? food.
we are 15 minutes late for internship. I wonder if my hair is noticeably dirty.
those doughnuts sure look good, but I am avoiding gluten.
my back is starting to hurt again. my arm has now gone numb.
chiropractor is saying it will take time and treatment. which means money. but I will get better.
its 12 and I am at work now. this he doesn’t want to eat his yams. that she doesn’t want to lay on her rest mat. she wants to be in the baby room. he doesn’t. eating paper. throwing it up. diaper rash. wet pants. this he found my lip balm, and he ate it. this she won’t drink her mama milk. that she wants to ride on my back all day. this she wants me to sing the same song over and over. he will not take a nap. in the moment without someone screaming it seems like there must be something wrong.
my coworker and I are talking. I talk about God being the perfect artist. I stop there.
one kid left. his parents are late. its quarter after six. I am hungry.
I drive home. my car sputters. gas. I forgot to refill on the way to work. I put put put my way down the hill. please just make it. please God just let me get to the gas station. I fill her up.
that wasn’t the issue.
I pull over. open the hood like I know whats what. I don’t. I check the oil. not that. so I put put put my way back up the hill and home it doesn’t cost to much to fix.
no on is home. the door is locked. I go around back and the dogs next door go wild. i try to jump the fence. its too tall. I try to open the gate. it won’t budge. I tear two panels out from the fence. and I crawl through.
I am sitting down. and I am not planning on moving.
What is my destiny?
a painting of the sun flowers
a better painting of the sun flowers
a cow staring at me
tie-dye drying on the door
spray painted rubber boots
a couple walking outside my window
a jar of seashells
a jar of buttons
a jar of water and lemon
dried limonium stapled to the wall
an open locket
a butterfly on the wall
me as an old lady
a painting by a favorite 4-year-old
the washer going
my parents talking in the kitchen
a frog calling out
a dragon fly resting beside a bird
a picture of me at age 17
cars driving by outside my window
the mattress holding me up
the bedpost I am resting my foot on
my dad is singing now
the smell of spray paint
a slight head ache
chipped nail polish
lots of thoughts
smudged eye make up from the heat of the day
one lone white thread tied around my wrist
a sore back
a full stomach
I am sitting in a coffee shop on the most beautiful day because I need to do homework. But instead I am blogging. What a fail. Theres a flower just under my hand stilling on my laptop as I type. I have headphones in but I am secretly listening to everyone talking. Chia latte. too much money. Maybe I should have stayed at school and done homework for free…
But hey. I am blogging again.
I can’t blog anymore because I know who is going to end up reading my posts. I have so much I want to say, but I really just. Don’t want to say it all here. This is that same old same old issue. I can’t blog anymore.
why is it that I only turn to this blog when I feel as if I am missing something? why do I feel like to be honest I must be in misery? I am not in misery. but I feel like I need to post that I am, but that I am ok with it. but I’m not I misery, and If I were I wouldn’t accept that. no one needs to believe me. but i am tired of being told that saying “I am fine” is a lie. why do I feel like it’s wrong to honestly be perfectly happy, even if only for a moment. I want to fight for joy, and with all I have been giving it would be a lie to say I have no reason to be joyful. do I always see how God is working? no. but there is joy in knowing simply that he is.
I don’t understand people who don’t eat the crusts of bread.
that is all.
this last week Louisville felt a whole lot like it really really was home. some of my favorite things about Minnesota came down for a visit. but they have gone home now. and now Louisville feels…like home…but not quite as happy of a home. I hate goodbyes. and hellos always bring goodbyes. ARE THEY WORTH IT??!!
heck yah. as much as I want my life to sound like a melodrama *gag* this was a great week, I’m so glad my friends came to visit. I miss them already. I might go visit Minnesota now.
i go down to the shore _mary oliver
i go down to the shore in the morning
and depending on the hour the waves
are rolling in or moving out,
and i say, oh, i am miserable,
what should i do? and the sea says
in its lovely voice:
excuse me, i have work to do.
conversations with my 2-3 year old friends.
(talking about england)
juniper: whats yurup?
miss. grace: europe. its a place across the sea. there are lots of castles and it used to be a land full of magic and there even used to be dragons there!
juniper: *gasp* what happened to them? are they still there?
miss. grace: no they all got washed away in a big flood and they are gone now. they don’t live in this world anymore.
juniper: *gets really close and whispers* there used to be baby elephants too.
(4 hours into the day)
john-boden: miss gayz miss gayz!
miss. grace: yes johnny?
john-boden: *gives me a huge hug and stays hugging me for about 20 seconds* hi miss gayz.
lilyanna: I bite
miss. jerrica: who did you bite?
lilyanna: I bite john-boden
miss. jerrica: was that a nice thing to do?
lilyanna: *stares at miss. jerrica for about 6 seconds* I bite. I bite john-boden