In this life what is there to trust? Not much. Your parents let you down. Siblings, friends (even best friends), co-workers, bosses, even pastors. How can you trust a person after what they did to you? After what they said how can you ever laugh with them again? After all the times they didn’t respond how can you let yourself respond. How can you let them back into your heart, how can you let them back into you life. I know one thing and that is that frankly, I can’t. I am done healing, I am done being hurt inside. I am done feeling condemnation from people.
And that is not to say that I people cant point out things in my life that need mending. I want to be humble when that happens and I know it will happen because boy do I have a lot to learn. And somewhere in my heart God is giving me grace to desire to learn-even if the lesson comes from someones anger, or from my deep hurt.
But as always I am getting lost in the key board. What I was saying is, I am done trying to heal myself, and I am done trying to trust again. Even my best attempts, were shabby. I cant heal myself. I can’t even give up my burdens to God. I am not strong enough. I tried to be.
I need God to just take them from me. So with open fists I am asking him to remove the scars that have become to much my identity. My identity isn’t found in my hurt. Its found in Christ. I don’t need these burdens. But just like Christian in Pilgrims Progress I can’t let get them off, even though I know what they are. All I can do is stand at the foot of the cross and weep and just like that they are gone and I am dressed in new clothes with a book in my hand and a free pass into glory paid from by the son of God.
So again I am side tracked. I can’t trust anyone. But I can trust God. He is in control of you and me and everyone else in this world. I am pretty sure that as long as He is in and is leading me to it I can trust again. And I can trust with out fear of being hurt. Every struggle I come across is just along a path to the Celestial City and will only keep teaching me how good my father in heaven is.
I am currently homeless but I am not houseless or uncared for. My dear friend Katie and her family has taken me and my sister into there home and made us welcome. I am ever so thankful. I hope the O’Neals rub off on me.
Life is changing. Life never stops changing come to think of it. But there are times in your life when it seems like there is no normal. You are not able to get used to things because its unlikely that whatever it is that you are about to get used to will stay unchanged for longer than a few weeks, maybe a month. I have graduated. I have been to Ireland and home again. I have had my romance, and now its gone. I have said goodbye to my house home, I have brushed my teeth in the target bathroom and stayed at friends homes. I am ready to move to Kentucky. Its going to be a change. But change is really one thing I can always count on. My moods change like the weather on a mountain. Happy one day, angry the next, sad and weepy, laughing and dancing. There is no normal. I am sick of that. I would like to be a all around pleasant person all the time. I would rather be the girl who is always crying than the girl who is always changing. And I would much rather be the girl who is always smiling than the girl who is always crying. I would like to hold my thoughts and then blow them far far away. I would like to not let people down. I don’t want to hurt my friends. Maybe I need a fresh start. Maybe I need to move to Kentucky and see what kind of person I become when no one expects anything from me. No one is expecting me to get the joke, or to fight the comment, or dislike the song, or enjoy the movie, or to want to drink the tea. No one knows who I really am, no one knows what I have done or failed to do. All people know is that my name is Grace and I am from Minnesota. That sounds like a good way to live for a little while. And then who knows maybe if I only show the good sides of myself for a while they will become the only sides of myself. Or maybe I will just move to Kentucky and make a mess of everything all over again. Who can say? I have no idea who Grace is these days, but I know I would like to know.
So bloggers this is a new faze of blogging. Grace spills it all. With poor spelling and bad grammar and no outline of thought. Just. There you go.