My yellow tarp

Sometimes I wonder if I should just hide in my house, alone, under a yellow tarp. I could just sit in the living room rolled up in a ball and listen to life, or just sleep. I would never again hurt anyone. I would never be a disappointment. I would never make people feel bad. People wouldn’t expect anything of me and I wouldn’t expect anything of them. I could live like that – get rid of my facebook and blog and pintrest and quit my job and smash my phone. Then I wouldn’t need to worry about not calling back, or texting back. I wouldn’t have to worry that I have too many profile pictures and look self absorbed ( which I probably am ). I wouldn’t have to worry about saying wise things, or having a good ending to my blog posts (which I never do). I will hurt all of my friends, I will make them feel bad, I won’t ever be able to communicate love, I will be the promise of a rain cloud in the desert when there is no rain, I will be a wet blanket on the warm fire when everyone needs a fire. The closer I get to people the deeper I hurt them. The list grows. And the desire for friends kind of goes out the window a little because why get close to people just to lose them by making the same mistakes I made before?

For all the times I mess up, and for all the times I am depressed and for all the times I want to roll up in a ball and hide under my yellow tarp. Christ is there. I just wish I could see him clearer. Maybe if I stop looking at myself and all that I have done wrong and look at him and all he has done right, and for me. “You said you came for the lameI’m the lamest. I made a mess but you say you‘ll erase it, I’ll take it.” He hung on the cross so there would be no condemnation for my mistakes. So I could be with him. Because he wants me with him. I don’t know why. But I’ll take it.


One thought on “My yellow tarp

  1. ❤ I love you, Grace. This is my favorite passage of Morning & Evening by Spurgeon, and I thought it related to your post:

    June 28
    "Looking unto Jesus."
    — Hebrews 12:2

    It is ever the Holy Spirit's work to turn our eyes away from self to
    Jesus; but Satan's work is just the opposite of this, for he is
    constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He
    insinuates, "Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you
    do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end;
    you have not the joy of his children; you have such a wavering hold of
    Jesus." All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find
    comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our
    eyes entirely away from self: he tells us that we are nothing, but that
    "Christ is all in all." Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of
    Christ that saves thee-it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that
    saves thee-it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be
    the instrument-it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not so
    much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ;
    look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to
    thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall
    never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our
    feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the
    soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it
    must be by "looking unto Jesus." Keep thine eye simply on him; let his
    death, his sufferings, his merits, his glories, his intercession, be
    fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to him; when
    thou liest down at night look to him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears
    come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after him, and he will never
    fail thee.

    "My hope is built on nothing less
    Than Jesus' blood and righteousness:
    I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
    But wholly lean on Jesus' name."

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