Sometimes I wonder if I should just hide in my house, alone, under a yellow tarp. I could just sit in the living room rolled up in a ball and listen to life, or just sleep. I would never again hurt anyone. I would never be a disappointment. I would never make people feel bad. People wouldn’t expect anything of me and I wouldn’t expect anything of them. I could live like that – get rid of my facebook and blog and pintrest and quit my job and smash my phone. Then I wouldn’t need to worry about not calling back, or texting back. I wouldn’t have to worry that I have too many profile pictures and look self absorbed ( which I probably am ). I wouldn’t have to worry about saying wise things, or having a good ending to my blog posts (which I never do). I will hurt all of my friends, I will make them feel bad, I won’t ever be able to communicate love, I will be the promise of a rain cloud in the desert when there is no rain, I will be a wet blanket on the warm fire when everyone needs a fire. The closer I get to people the deeper I hurt them. The list grows. And the desire for friends kind of goes out the window a little because why get close to people just to lose them by making the same mistakes I made before?
For all the times I mess up, and for all the times I am depressed and for all the times I want to roll up in a ball and hide under my yellow tarp. Christ is there. I just wish I could see him clearer. Maybe if I stop looking at myself and all that I have done wrong and look at him and all he has done right, and for me. “You said you came for the lame, I’m the lamest. I made a mess but you say you‘ll erase it, I’ll take it.” He hung on the cross so there would be no condemnation for my mistakes. So I could be with him. Because he wants me with him. I don’t know why. But I’ll take it.