Breath in. Breath out.

Breath. Sleep. Shut your eyes. Think. Pray. Feel. Be aware. Relax. Life isn’t an emergency. Calm down.

These are commands I must repeat over and over. I find myself in a situation that stresses me out and I find myself breathing quick light shallow breaths through my mouth. Then I gasp for air and everyone looks at me. I find myself with an extra 48 seconds, rather than ponder a ponder I look at my phone. I hate that. I hate my phone. In some ways it’s been really good for me to have, in other ways I just hate it. I sleep on my belly with my hands crossed under my body. I don’t tend to sleep very well. My eyes droop but I refuse to shut them in fear that I will miss out on something. I pray. I get distracted and forget I was praying. I feel pain in my head and I am aware of every single insecurity. The clock is ticking and life is an emergency, I can’t relax now. I will miss my adventure.

I am not considered an uptight person in some groups, in others I am sure I would be considered one. I care so much about how you see me. I want you to know my heart, so I will talk and share and spill everything. I have always worn my flaws upon my sleeves.

I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I were a mystery. If my eyes were guarded. If I didn’t cry when I wanted to cry. If I smiled instead of laughing. If I felt the warm wind on my face and didn’t smile and toss my arm out the window. If I didn’t laugh all by myself at the image of me actually tossing my arm out a window. What if I didn’t tell you when I disagreed. What if you couldn’t tell I was nervous by my gasping for air. What if I didn’t like almost every song you play for me simply because there is a meaning in it for you. What if I looked at modern art and thought “that’s not real art”. What if I didn’t laugh at inappropriate things very once in a while. What if I matched my socks. What if I had a calendar. What if I didn’t hate my smartphone. What if I didn’t also love it. What if I didn’t paint cat eyes on in the morning. What if I didn’t watercolor during church. What if I was good at sports. What if I could wear perfume without getting sick. What if I ate fast food with no conviction. What if I was addicted to coffee or soda. What if I didn’t enjoy a good TV show. Would you like me better? I don’t care that much to be honest. Because you might change your kind no matter how much i change for you. Would I like me better?

I’m at a sleep over right now. Erin just talked in her sleep. I have no idea what she said. It’s 6am.

I love the way God has made me, sometimes. I love that he isn’t depended on me changing in order for him to love me. He doesn’t need me to turn around and shake his hand before he will except me into his family. He grabbed me in one of those bear hugs that people give you when they know you are upset and so even when you push away they don’t let go. I was made to love Him. And I was made by Him.

He loves me because he chooses to. And he doesn’t change. He isn’t going to change his mind. His love is Unconditional.

I could be anything you like and you might love me for a year or two, but while I was still a sinner who hated God, he gave up his life for me. He died so I could see love, and I see His love when I can see His glory. I was made to love Him. And in giving himself to me he loves me. He doesn’t love me back. He loves me first.

Ephesians 2


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