Its been awhile

I haven’t said much for awhile. I was thinking. And watching TV. And working. And spending my money on bus tickets to places I needed to go back to. I was instagraming. I was swimming and eating and just living life hoping that if I just let it all go it would come back and hit me so hard I would be able to move my feet again. Waiting for what to hit me?

Three words “Get over it”

So I would say I am a dreamer. I wouldn’t say I am one of those people who gets all obsessive about the plan and the steps and the goals. I just have dreams. Some are dreams like “I wish I could swim in the sky, not fly, but swim. I would swim in the clouds and they would feel like whipped cream, but not sticky. The sunset would feel like a warm bath, and the blue sky would feel like swimming in peppermint. I would swim across the ocean and look down at it.” It makes no sense. But while I am dreaming that dream, I am perfectly happy. I also dream dreams like “Study, fall in love with someone you don’t need to explain everything too, snuggle with your kids even when they are all wet from playing the rain and mud”

When I kept looking at myself, 19 years old (just shriveling away into the grave at this point) living in Kentucky, working at a restaurant that I don’t like without that “other half of my soul” guy, and no college applications filled out let alone schools looked at, I kind of get a bit discouraged. And I think that’s fair.

I went home. To Minnesota. Well it’s not really home. It’s the place I want to be home. The place I call home. The place where so much growing up happened. The place I had to leave. The place I can’t find a reason to return to. I always wanted to leave Minnesota just so I could come back and find my mom working in the garden, or Siah playing music in the back room. I never wanted to leave Minnesota and come back to a yard full of weeds and renters who are in a screamo band. Get over it Grace.

I have always had this dream. Grow up with him, and then grow old with him. I resented people who said things like “You don’t even know who you are as a person until you are at least 24, 25, or 26. How do you expect to know who you should spend the rest of your life with at age 18?”  My reply was always a awkward nod and then a “yaaaaahhhh…well…I guess I would rather not get set into my ways and then have them all thrown off by falling in love. Better now, we can find out who we are together.” Get over it Grace.

I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to see India by now. Get over it Grace.

I wanted to go to school for theater. Get over it Grace.

I want to be singing in a band like “The Oh Hello’s” or “The Civil Wars.” Get over it Grace.

I can see you reading this and just cringing. “Oh there she goes, she is selling herself out and settling for what she doesn’t want.” That’s not true. I just. I am trying to get over my dreams and not let them dictate my life. Do I still want all of them? Of course I do! But what can I do about it right now? I could go to school for theater, but I know deep down that that wouldn’t be the right choice. I could become a gypsy and travel the world leaving everything and everyone behind. That’s not what I want really. That would be settling. Love, well there is nothing I can do about that. Music, nothing I can do about that one either. Which makes them a little easier. Because at the end of the day I don’t feel like I am failing myself. Go home and find my mom gardening. Maybe someday I will, but it won’t be the home I have in my heart tonight.

Get over it Grace. Do the next thing. Life might surprise you. You might just like what’s next.

So I am getting another job at a daycare. Wow. Great big conclusion right? Does it have to be? I am doing the next thing. And trusting that God with take care of all the “Get over its.” He can take them away forever, or He can hold them in his hand for a little while then give them back.

So I’m just gunna be here doing the next thing. And hoping that the next thing is something at least a little epic…
(come on, I am still 19. I’m not that mature yet. 😉 )


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