For those of you who have never moved there is something you need to be prepared for.
I have done it twice in my life and its just sucks. I mean. On one hand you get this great new adventure, and on the other hand you leave your home, and with it the people you love. You can’t really stay in touch because you need your life to keep going and you need to put effort into new friends, but you can’t just cut ties because you love your friends, you love your home. They don’t know what to do because they want to to be able to move on and they also need to move on. Its easy to think people hate you if they don’t contact you, and its easy to think people must think you hate them if you don’t contact them. But its no ones fault. Life just marches on and it doesn’t wait for you to respond to the facebook message…
Its not easy being far away from a life you lived for so long. So long. Its something you knew so well. A lifestyle you thought was just, sure. Its not easy looking back and seeing where you should be standing in the photo. What you should be doing tonight. What you were doing this time four months ago. Its not easy to loose the connection you had and its not easy to pretend its still there.
Its not easy knowing that you are going to have to pick up and move all over again in just a few months.
I don’t want to move on. I just want to go on with my life and I don’t know how to balance it all. But I don’t want to loose it all. I don’t want to go home to Minnesota and find that my place there no longer exists. But I know that I will, and I know that it won’t. I will go back and we won’t know if we should talk about whats going on in Minnesota or Kentucky. My friends will talk about things I know nothing about, and I will talk about things they know nothing about.
I miss Minnesota. I love Kentucky. I love Minnesota. I live in Kentucky. This is my home now.
My conclusion. I have none. What a surprise right?!
My life is nothing like I thought it would be. Thats ok. But it is hard. My plan was moving to MPLS with Becca, working with CB, being a waitress, serving at church and getting more involved in small group and being in a relationship. Here I am in a little town house with my family in Kentucky, with no theater outlet, turning more to other art forms, working car side, serving at church, going to as many church events as I can, and single. God has a funny way of turning our lives upside down right when they need to be turned. But it is hard not to look back and miss it. The dreaming. The planing. The love. The confidence in your role in the group. I don’t know what to dream about these days. So I let my dreams run wild. Currently however I have nothing.
I hear a voice in my head cheering me on. “Move on Grace move on! You can do it! Move. On. Let. Go. This time let it really be goodbye”
But…I…I just don’t…want to…I can’t do it. I don’t want to let it all go.
Is that ok?