Since I was-oh I don’t know- about 5 years old, I have wanted to milk a cow. When I got older I wanted to be a farmer. When I was about 14 I wanted to be a farmers wife. When I was 15-years-old my dear friend Rose and I always talked about running away and becoming milkmaids and falling in love with handsome farm boys. All of these dreams needed to of course take place in England or in Ireland. Because how lame would it be for this to happen in-say-idaho? Pretty darn lame.

I am not one week shy of 18 and I still dream of the mundane life on the farm. The feel of dirty hands, the smell of cows and skunks, I still dream of living and working on a farm, being a milkmaid (just take away the handsome farm boy part). I know its hard work and not any where near as romantic as I make it out to be in my mind- and yet I find romance in the simplest things- why not working on a farm?

Also, in case you didn’t know this, I am very interested in the process of organic farming. I love nutrition and I am all for all things organic.

Also, in case you didn’t know, I have a burning desire to travel while I am young.

So, come summer- I am doing to it (Lord willing). I am going to be a WWOOFer in the south counties of Ireland-I will be working on a farm in exchange for room and board. You have no idea how excited this makes me! I have been praying about it and all week getting green lights. So I signed up, started messaging different farms/homes, and planning on how this is going to happen.

Late June till early August is when I am hoping to go. I am saving money, and I am dreaming away.

Also-today is beautiful and I think I am going to stop looking at all these farms and go out for a walk. Enjoy this beautiful song by Mr. Foy Vance.

So Wednesday my dear friend Anna and I were sitting on the couch in the back room of her families house talking about all sorts of things. We started talking about beauty and confidence and identity. Anna hadn’t been wearing any makeup that day and I was telling me it was really good for her. So I rashly said as if it was no big deal “Hey lets do a make up fast till the end of February.” I didn’t really think it through and kind of thought it would be no big deal. She agreed and our brothers witnessed the whole thing adding pressure to follow though. Now I don’t wear much make up. I hardly ever wear foundation, its mostly just eye make up that I like. So I get home and wash all the eye gunk off and go to bed. 

So four days latter I am realizing that I really had a tight hold on makeup. What started out as a “just because” dealiebop has become a lot harder. I am finding it hard to be as confident as I am with my eyes out lined when they are not. Thats pretty tragic.  I think make up was a very small idol in my life and whats odd is I never knew until I gave it up. It may seem very silly, but this “fast” is hard. I am trying to let go of feeling good about the way I look, and finding the less I care the freer I feel. Such a seemingly small thing. Such a big heart exposure. 

Ok so my question for you. What little tiny things do you hold on to with out even knowing? What little thing would make you feel like less a person with out it? Because if you are in Christ you are whole whether you have a ton of posts on your facebook wall or not. Call me captain obvious but think about it, have you ever thought about it? 

That being said…is this month almost over???!!

“I Wonder”

At the stars in the night, I wonder
At Your lightning in the sky, I shudder
Your glory is a blanket that covers
Every living thing
I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are
Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart
All of the day I want to be where You are
Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me
With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy
You are holy

Jesus Christ
You bled Your love, laid down Yourself
And gave me life
In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high
Here I lay in awe and wonder
I am afraid
For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace
Here I lay in awe and wonder
And I wonder

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are
Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart
All of the day I want to be where You are
Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me
With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy
You are holy

Oh boy. Dreams are filling my head and spilling out all over. There is so much I want to do and its just now that I am releasing that this is the time for me to start. I am almost done with high school and I only have 21 days left before I am a adult. Life is going to start racing ahead and I want to have my shoes tied. Or at least have the shoes picked out. I won’t tell you aboutmy dreams and I won’t tell you about my plan. All I will say is that there are many but only a few are really jumping out at me with flags waving. That dream may or may not involve a pair of dirty rubber boots. I will keep you updated. But for now…just wonder. 

When all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
And my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down

I am nearly world renowned
As a restless soul who always skips town
But I look for you to come around
And anchor me back down

There are those who think that Im strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
But you hold me close and softly say
That you wouldnt have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
You behave as though Im wearing a crown
When Im lost I feel so very found
When you anchor me back down

When all the world is spinning round
Like a red balloon way up in the clouds
And my feet will not stay on the ground
You anchor me back down

Sometimes wonderful things happen that make me smile from ear to ear. Sometimes my eyes are red for hours. Sometimes I look back at my week and think, what did I even do last week that was worth remembering? Sometimes I feel like I could fill a book or two with my thoughts, adventures, conversations or lack thereof from the week. Sometimes I need to look back to remind myself of how beautiful life is. Sometimes I just wait. Sometimes I cry a little, smile a lot. Do a lot of nothing, and go on a grad adventure. Look forward to something, remember the beauty of the past, and enjoy the glory of the present.

Sometimes I just need a warm mug of Tetley. 

Shoot a dream in your arm
and sleep away

It’s not the stuff that kills you,
that keeps your life at bay
Every crash
pulls you in reach
Of a watershed of signal flares
that cover your beach

These are just placebos
to make us feel all right
Illusions in our pockets make our feather
float us high
For a second I thought I saw you eyelids rise
A moment, something restless caught you by surprise,
Surprise, surprise

We are so beautiful
when we sleep
Hearts of gold and eyes so
deep, deep, deep
But love won’t cure the chaos
And hope won’t hide the loss
And peace is not the heroine
that shouts above the cause
And love is wild for reasons
And hope though short in sight
Might be the only thing that
wakes you by surprise
Surprise, surprise

Dream little one
See the world just begun

Love is wild for reasons
And hope feels short in sight
Might be the only thing that wakes you by surprise
For a moment I thought I saw your eyelids rise

Surprise, surprise, surprise…

*fling yourself onto the bed and sob uncontrollably*

I am sick and unable to sleep because of homework due on the morrow…At this moment in time I just want to crawl under the bed and die. This time next year. I will be out of school. I will be done with this trial and on to a new one. But whatever it is…it won’t be school…